I was born in a moderate muslim family in India. I started praying and fasting when I was 7. My parents were nice persons and always talked about how good and peaceful Islam is and I in turn came to connect virtue with religion.
My first doubt over Islam came when I was 8. My parents were out for a visit to a nearby town and since my school was over earlier that day I went to a friend’s house (they were Hindu). My friend had a sister who was 16-17 at that time. She was really curious about Islam and kept showering me with questions about the religious practices. Then she asked if she does good deeds will she go to heaven even though she isn’t a Muslim. At that time my concept of heaven was it was the destination of good people. So I answered “Yes, of course!”. When I was back at home I related the whole incident to my mother who told me she wouldn’t go to heaven because she is a kafir. This distorted logic sure gave me something to ponder over, but I was young and I forgot the incident in a week or two. So there’s an us vs them?
My second revelation was when I was 9. By now I had an understanding that there are kuffar and there are believers. At that time a religious riot between Hindu and Muslims broke out over the three Muslim brothers killing a Hindu trader over business deals. These riots are nothing uncommon in India, by the age of 15 I had seen 7 of them. But this riot made me ask my mother about the first and the most violent riot that my family faced shortly after I was born that robbed us of our property and land. It was a taboo topic but my mother finally told me. That my father had been hit on his head and leg with iron rods and he’d have lost his leg had it not been for a Hindu who took him to a Hindu doctor, portrayed my father as his brother and thanks to him, my father still walks. So these Kafirs can be good too?
The third eye opener was when I was 11. I was visiting my ancestral village when a friend of mine triumphantly related the story of how they razed down a Wahhabi mosque. The large majority in my village are Barelvi and they term Wahhabis as Gol-topi. There’re also other types of social repercussions for being Wahhabi in a Barelvi dominated area. I had been told by my mom that these Wahhabi are evil but I still couldn’t believe that muslims can take part in razing a sacred mosque. So there are believers who can be as bad as the Kafirs?
I had my first interaction with internet at 13. This was the beginning of the actual apostasy within me. I signed up on a forum to practise English. A large majority on there were Arabs and Turks who posted religious topics glorifying Islam. But there was one guy from Turkey, an atheist, who constantly debunked their mythical beliefs WITH support from Qur’an and hadith. As is the wont with the regular muslims, they never countered him with valid arguments but rather just the rote ones I still keep seeing “This was the norm of those days” or “You’re taking it out of context”. So I wrote to this Turkish guy personally, my first private message was a mere personal attack than logic. He didn’t retort, he answered coolly. After a few message exchanges we talked on MSN, not just religion but also about other aspects of life. I’m thankful to Ugur (that is his name) for opening my eyes. This continued for 3 years as I evolved and reformed.
The second person who helped me was a Jew living in UK. His responses on forum were not as mild as Ugur’s. But he blasted Islam WITH valid arguments. I expected that of course because he was a Jew. At this point I wasn’t actually apostatizing but just like those western apologists, talking about a moderate, peaceful Islam. But I still viewed Jews as a threat to Islam and world! Yes, two of my early teachers were neo Nazis who had indoctrinated in me a sense of Aryan supremacy. And when your family says Jews are evil and killing Palestinians, it doesn’t help either. But also around this time I came to know a girl from US on another social networking site. We got sort of romantically involved, but she was one of those young westerners who, in their rebellious nature, think Christianity is the utmost evil and look for spirituality elsewhere. She embraced Judaism, though I doubt she learnt much of it. But I did. When she converted I tried to prove Judaism is evil, I tried to be logical and researched about Judaism and then the political landscape of the Palestine problem. This made me realize you don’t clap with one hand, Zionists aren’t the only one to blame. And my research also unearthed the story of an Arab man in Israeli cabinet refusing to sing the national anthem. I was shocked to know that Jews even allowed a muslim in the cabinet! (I later came to know, this particular man, Salah Tarif was a Druze not a Muslim, but the Israeli cabinet did get a Muslim member)
But other points aside, this Jew on the forum once pointed to FFI, I visited the site and labelled it outright Islamophobic but I kept returning in hope of refuting the claims. In the next two years that followed I could no more justify my religion of “peace”. My logic had been shattered. For some time I tried to justify Islam to my non-muslim friends by preaching that no logic need be involved in religion. You can’t prove God logically/scientifically but you can’t refute God. You just have to trust. I was just trying to cling on to the last straw. I knew it was blatant hypocrisy but you must acknowledge that the idea of ETERNAL hellfire wasn't very alluring. When people come out of their distorted Utopia, they feel helpless in real world.
I finally gave it up all around 17-18. I still keep pretending that I am a devout Muslim as I have no intention either to die/have my education stopped in midway/hurt my parents. I plan to finish my education and move to Eastern Europe, the Slavic culture calls me!
Thanks for reading this tiringly long testimony
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oops too long an explanation.
