extremely confused and considering giving up..help pls

Share your experiences of having a Muslim in a relationship, as a friend or family member
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Alvin1981
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:02 am

extremely confused and considering giving up..help pls

Post by Alvin1981 »

Hi there I would like to keep my name and info private:
Im a X muslim who left around 3 yrs ago and around 8 months ago fell in love with a Christian girl.
At this time I was living with my family and my parents were not happy and asked me to chose between the girl and her
I thought of this to be a chance to move out on my own and persue relationship with my girlfriend. (Mind u I always wanted to move out on my own).
So I moved close to my girlfriend and my parents were not happy at all, the sacrifice I made was that I gave up my family for the girl and I gave up my travel time to work ( used to live 10 mins from work now my travel time is 90 min public transit).
Now my girlfriend and I were together 8 months but unfortunately we parted ways to due differences.
The main problem I do miss my family and little nephew/ nieces alot and ive realized my travel time to work is wearing me down cause I do take public transportation
Ive been trying to save for a car but its been more challenging since ive moved out my expanses have increased.
Moreover my family was not talking to me at all but now they are and they are aware im not talking to the girl anymore,
They said in order for me to come back in the house I have re accept islam and say the shaahdah in front of all them also I have to drop on my knees and apologize to my parents and everyone else.
They also said as long im not Muslim I cant come or touch the kids but im also concerned of what to do and the options I have. .
Im really confused whether to continue living on my own or just listen to my family but I'm aware of how controlling they are and if I accept it can get worse
What do I do? ?

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manfred
Posts: 11617
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:29 pm

Re: extremely confused and considering giving up..help pls

Post by manfred »

There are several things you need to keep apart, in order to decide what is best for.

You did not leave Islam in order to be with your girl friend, did you? Sadly sometimes relationships don't work out. Because it did not in your case, why would that mean Islam is suddenly true again, when before, quite independently of your girl friend, you decided differently? Go back to Islam if you are truthfully, deeply convinced within yourself that its teachings are true. Going back because you are lonely or because you family pushes you is not a sincere thing to do, unless you really are convinced Islam is right.

So you are lonely. You are upset because things did not work out the way you hoped. You miss you family. Have you ever thought how much your family misses you? If they really deeply loved you would they care about your beliefs so much? It seems it is more important to them that you outwardly appear to be a Muslim than that you are happy. What would a truly loving family do? Would they accept you as you are, with all your differences? Would they want you to be happy your own way?

You are in a crisis, and you are vulnerable because of your break-up. It is not right to use that to make you do things you don't really want to.

I cannot tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes I would not give in to that kind of pressure. One day your parent will be old and sick. Then go to them and help them. Then they will understand what a mistake they have made and what kind of son they could have had all along. Give them some time, perhaps things will change.

You sound like a young guy. Breaking up hurts terribly and you fell really alone. The whole world seems as if it has collapsed. But it hasn't. This is not something you cannot change. It is something in your hands. A crisis is also an opportunity to find something better. You need to find another woman who accepts you just the way you are, and you can do the same. It may take a while, but you CAN do it! A tip: NEVER talk to your new girlfriend about the old one, and certainly do not make comparisons. Everybody is different.

There is perhaps also something else: Apart from your ex-girlfriend, do you have a circle of friends? Some people, once they are in a relationship, forget that friends are very important too. Perhaps you can revive the odd friendship here and there? Pals from school? The gym?

Always feel free to chat here, if you want.


All the best
Jesus: "Ask and you will receive." Mohammed: "Take and give me 20%"

Alvin1981
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:02 am

Re: extremely confused and considering giving up..help pls

Post by Alvin1981 »

Thanks for the response I actually left islam 3 yrs cause after doing lots of research I figured its a system I can't follow
Btw im 32 yrs old
I can totally understand my family being mad at my decision but they never contacted me and asked if im ok etc
I always text or called them even if they didnt respond to show them I do care
The fact is I left islam before I met the girl and I did give up alot for her I can totally understand I made big mistakes but I also have to correct it and im not sure where to start from
...??

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manfred
Posts: 11617
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:29 pm

Re: extremely confused and considering giving up..help pls

Post by manfred »

Start with a simple question. What is it I most need right now? How do I go about finding that?


Would you say that your family will be what you need most of all? They have told you a price for being there for you, to some degree at least. Suppose you do as they ask. Then what? Will you be happy? Will you have found all you need?

What is it that you REALLY need? That is the question you need to think about.

I think you will say first it is company. A new girl friend. Security. Being loved. Being accepted and appreciated. A hug and a smiling face. Someone who misses you when you are not there. That is my guess anyway.

Do you think you will get that from your family, even if you do as they ask? Did you get that up to now? And would it be an honest thing to do to say the shahadda even if you are not so sure it is what your really believe?

I think probably not, on both counts. But you will know that much better.

Once you know what you really want most of all, you need to consider how to get it and if you are willing to try.

I would try some dating sites, to start with. What do you have to loose? Meet some women, check them out, talk to them, and if they are not right, well, take them to their home, say good bye and that is that. Take your time. There is the right one for you somewhere, you need to find her. And I am sure there is a woman, if not several or even many, somewhere who would really like to meet you.

We all fall down some times. Getting up is what counts.

Finally about your family. They have to learn something most people would see as rather obvious. Suppose you met a girl who said to you she really want to be with you but you have to first buy her a new house and kill her husband. Would you say yes?

Loving someone is caring about a person as THEY ARE. It's not about changing people to make them fit your own ideas. If you want a good relationship in future you have to learn how to live with those thinks your new girlfriend does you don't really like at well. You have to make an unconditional commitment. You have to take her as she is. She will have to do the same. You will both need to find ways to accommodate each other.

Your family does not seem to have that part worked out yet. They think they can only accept you if you first do certain things for them. Let them know, frequently, that you love them AS THEY ARE, but that you will not make changes for anyone which are essentially dishonest. After all, what would they say if you turned round and said "OK, dad, once you have fallen on your knees and renounce Mohammed as a fraud, I will talk to you."? Do not allow them to pretend that somehow being a Muslim makes them superior to you. You have done something they did not: you have actually looked at Islam. If they can provide you with compelling REASONS why Islam is true, sure, if you have been truly convinced, say the shahadda. But if all they have to offer is say the shahadda or we will not talk to you, that is not much of an argument, is it?

They would consider this a monstrous insult if you made it a condition on them to renounce Islam before you talk to them. And yet, they think not much about the fact that this is exactly what they ask you to do, in reverse.

I don't judge them. Perhaps they really don't understand better. Perhaps in time they get used to having you in the family, after all all families consist of different individual with their own ideas.

It is only you who can decide how to meet you own needs for happiness. I cannot tell you what to do. But I hope this will help you.
Jesus: "Ask and you will receive." Mohammed: "Take and give me 20%"

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