Dear Ali Sina,
I had relationships with muslim woman for almost 1 year. she was not religious at all throughout our relationships (no salat, no fasting). Her age was considered quite late for a woman which haven't married. so after a few months dating she asked me if i would like to marry here. in order to do so i would have to convert. at first only on paper so i agreed reluctantly.
my religion background is buddhism although i tend to atheist with my own view of the world that close to buddhism theory like karmic law. at that time i was quite lonely as i just moved to new city for work and i also having difficulty to make friends.
so she was like lover, friend and sister at the same time to me. we had a few quarrel over religious matter such as eid al-dha festival, but somehow i always make my way back to her. then we wanted to me learn the opening letter (al fatiha) that required for salat, and i did to please her somehow. then lately she keep on asking about learning salat. Until one day when she was abroad she grew mad at me because i still haven't learned it.
i not sure maybe that is the pinnacle of our relationships. maybe i was just to ignorant to do something that has no benefit for me. so i had a quick read at some of quran chapter. some are good verses which comply to my moral till i found some verses that allow having sex with slaves. then i asked here about this maybe in a bit tempered manner over facebook post. some of her friend provided the answers but somehow i was not satisfied. (later on i feel quran might be true since it provide protection, shelter and allow them to be free if they will). later on she asked me to remove the post since it was too dangerous. ( we lived in muslim majority country like 80%+ population).
then i kept on surfing till i found a quran verses that related to muslim violence. then somehow i have insights that relates their 5 times daily praying as a method of brainwashing people. so i asked to her about all of these violent verse with a tendency to ask her to leave her religion. Well of course it is like mission impossible as her family are so kind to her and also religious.
At 1 point she wants me to consult with Ustaz as a final opportunity for me. of course i didn't, not sure why. i thought even if my mind can be changed how bout my children? can i let them learn a religion that will possible cause hate toward my family side? after more debate,finally she grew tired and very mad at me (called me kafir) and she remove me as friend in the facebook. this relationship already beyond repair at this point.
then i looked and saw how much she mean to me. then i feel quilty, sad, maybe i have been referencing too much from this sites and similar sites, but never looked on the positive side. i mean like Muhammad (pbuh) must have a positive side as well such that a lot still believe firmly on him. i never even tried to understand the image of Muhammad on her mind.
I not sure why i wrote this letter, maybe i want support?
Islam is like teaching with 2 faces, it has good sides and bad sides as well. If Muhammad has so severe personality disorder why he still can create a lot of good verses that Muslim can cling on?
thanks a lot for reading this.
I don’t think there is any love between you and this woman. You are a lonely man in need of affection and this woman temporarily fills that need. But this relationship is not based on love and sooner or later it will come to an end.
Love is the child of freedom. If you love someone you don’t constrict his or her freedom. You don’t force them to comply with your demands. This woman does not recognize your freedom and does not respect your independence. She wants to control you. Sadly, this is true in the case of all the Muslims.
If you submit to her whims and accept Islam, she may express happiness, but deep down inside you lose respect. Women respect strong men. They want someone with integrity so they can lean on him. This is a psychological factor that is formed by millions of years of evolution. If you convert to gain her acceptance the message that you are sending is that I am a weak needy person. I have no backbone I will do anything for a little attention. This quality is bad in a woman, but it is extremely unattractive in a man. No woman can have respect for a man who lacks integrity.
As for Muhammad having a good side, if you force yourself you can find good sides in any criminal. No one is 100% evil. If you follow someone as a prophet and your role model you should not look at his good points. You should look at his bad points and if he has any, then he is not a prophet of God. Muhammad had many, many evil qualities. It is hard to find anyone as evil as him in the annals of history. Yes he also said some good things, but he never did any good thing. Any criminal can tell you good things. You have to look at his actions not at his words.
Because your relationship with this woman is not based on love, but on need, if you marry her it is not going to last. And if it lasts it will be a life filled with regret and misery. If it does not end in divorce, it will be a loveless and lonely marriage. You are free to do what you want with your life, but you have no right to destroy the lives of your future children.
Furthermore, you say she is not very young. Women have a biological clock - something we men don’t. The only thing that concerns men is the age gap that they may have with their children, if they marry late. But women have a fixed number of eggs, with which they are born. When they are finished, they are finished. So if anyone has to be desperate it is she and I can assure you that she is.
She is now playing a game. She is bluffing because she senses you are a weak man and she wants to establish her dominance over you. She must be ten, or even 100 times more desperate than you. If you give in and go to her you are finished. You lose respect.
In any case this is not a good sign. People who love each other don’t play these games. This relationship is bad for you, whether she is a Muslim or not.
Also you talk about facebook. Are you saying you meet this women over the Internet and is the Internet the only way you two interact? If that is the case, this is only a fictitious relationship. You can meet people anywhere you like, but you have to establish a face to face contact very early and date and be together at least 500 hours before you can decide whether you are compatible. If you have met this woman only over the Internet, then you don’t have any relationship, just a fantasy. Please get over it and get real.
I don’t think you are ready for marriage. I think you have low self-esteem and maybe other psychological problems. I suggest you see a psychologist and if he thinks it is necessary, take a MMPI test. Once you understand yourself and are ready for a relationship you can then find someone else. There is no biological clock in men. So don’t worry.
All the best