Frustrated, this is my story

Share your experiences of having a Muslim in a relationship, as a friend or family member
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Newmember1973
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

Preview: Frustrated, this is my story
Hello All,

I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. My partner is Muslim, I am from a hindu background..both of us are from the same country. We have been together for 10 years have 2 kids together. I am not a practicing Hindu because I follow Meditation and Yoga...not any religion. We didn't get married because I refused to convert and even get married according to Islamic Law, I gave him the option to leave when i was pregnant..He came back against his family's wishes...Now 10 years later, 2 kids..It is always the same arguments and It has to do with Religion. First of all, I wanted my kids to have both of our last names, but He doesn't like that, doesn't sit well with him...the kids are a part of both of us, I dont' see why they can't have both of our last names..All hell break loose 9 years ago when my first child was born..I went through hell, but I had faith, faith in God..I always say "god please guide my in the right path' and after the fight and I kicked him out of the house...he came back and ended up staying. My kids still have both our Last names :bggrn: Now I practice vegetarianism, not because of religion, but I cannot stand the fact that an animal had to die for my meal..and I don't see any value in eating meat..I wanted my kids to vegetarian was well..another big fight 9 years ago..I went through hell again..but stuck to my guns..Now they are still vegetarians :D He was hoping after a while I would give in and convert...didn't happen and I won't allow the kids to follow Islam. Don't get me wrong, I read about it..didn't like it. Now every once in a while he gets angry about these things..that he cannot get his way because of me..that I am a curse to him, I am evil...He says he cannot fully give me his love, because I didn't convert..but If i convert..I will be treated like a Queen..Ah! I said no thanks to that. His extended family comes first before me..he listens to what they say..if they want to go out somewhere and I am not well, I am expected to drop everything go..Naturally it seems as if he doesn't give a damn about me...Yes, we do have good times, happy times, many many of those..The kids are not aware of our arguments..they know of the differences of the religions etc..The arguments happen when it is Eid, or him going to the mosque or a religious function..or any other times when his family has invited us over or involving his family and I dont' want to participate..other wise everything is great..He is a good husband and father otherwise. I think because of this brainwashing religion..and family reinforcing it..he feels compelled to follow it..afraid to think out of the box..Sometimes when we have nice talks, he gets frustrated and says 'perhaps religion isn't real'..there is a part of him that is seeking answers that want to know the truth of the universe and God..but he is so brainwashed and scared he will go to hell, he won't leave Islam..It is so nice to have this site, where I can vent..and others who can understand...

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StrongLove
Posts: 657
Joined: Wed Apr 28, 2010 4:05 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by StrongLove »

Hello Newmember1973,

Welcome to the FFI forum! You sound like a brave & strong woman. Good for you! :clap:

There are many knowledgeable people on this site. We are here to help in any way we can.
" The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property - either as a child, a wife, or a concubine - must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men."

Winston Churchill

Qutuzistan
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat May 01, 2010 12:11 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Qutuzistan »

Newmember1973 wrote:Preview: Frustrated, this is my story
Hello All,

I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. My partner is Muslim, I am from a hindu background..both of us are from the same country. We have been together for 10 years have 2 kids together. I am not a practicing Hindu because I follow Meditation and Yoga...not any religion. We didn't get married because I refused to convert and even get married according to Islamic Law, I gave him the option to leave when i was pregnant..He came back against his family's wishes...Now 10 years later, 2 kids..It is always the same arguments and It has to do with Religion. First of all, I wanted my kids to have both of our last names, but He doesn't like that, doesn't sit well with him...the kids are a part of both of us, I dont' see why they can't have both of our last names..All hell break loose 9 years ago when my first child was born..I went through hell, but I had faith, faith in God..I always say "god please guide my in the right path' and after the fight and I kicked him out of the house...he came back and ended up staying. My kids still have both our Last names :bggrn: Now I practice vegetarianism, not because of religion, but I cannot stand the fact that an animal had to die for my meal..and I don't see any value in eating meat..I wanted my kids to vegetarian was well..another big fight 9 years ago..I went through hell again..but stuck to my guns..Now they are still vegetarians :D He was hoping after a while I would give in and convert...didn't happen and I won't allow the kids to follow Islam. Don't get me wrong, I read about it..didn't like it. Now every once in a while he gets angry about these things..that he cannot get his way because of me..that I am a curse to him, I am evil...He says he cannot fully give me his love, because I didn't convert..but If i convert..I will be treated like a Queen..Ah! I said no thanks to that. His extended family comes first before me..he listens to what they say..if they want to go out somewhere and I am not well, I am expected to drop everything go..Naturally it seems as if he doesn't give a damn about me...Yes, we do have good times, happy times, many many of those..The kids are not aware of our arguments..they know of the differences of the religions etc..The arguments happen when it is Eid, or him going to the mosque or a religious function..or any other times when his family has invited us over or involving his family and I dont' want to participate..other wise everything is great..He is a good husband and father otherwise. I think because of this brainwashing religion..and family reinforcing it..he feels compelled to follow it..afraid to think out of the box..Sometimes when we have nice talks, he gets frustrated and says 'perhaps religion isn't real'..there is a part of him that is seeking answers that want to know the truth of the universe and God..but he is so brainwashed and scared he will go to hell, he won't leave Islam..It is so nice to have this site, where I can vent..and others who can understand...
Why exactly, did you get involved with a muslim? If you can't stand muslims? I don't get it with all the hindus/christians who get involved with muslims, then come on forums to hate on us.

Newmember1973
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

I didn't marry him :*) I got involved in a relationship with him, we fell in love..it was all good at first. Its the same old story, he was such a nice guy, still is in certain ways..but so understanding when it comes to religion. I never hated muslims, I don't hate muslims..I'm just not a fan of the religion. At first I knew nothing of this religion..I was shocked and blown away..all the nice things he said wasn't true, he wasn't living up to it. He assumed I would convert..so he gave me time..I still didn't convert. Because I didn't follow him..is what caused all this problem. What I learned about Islam I learned from him and his and his family's behaviour...by the way I am from a hindu family doesn't mean I am hindu. He is definitely brainwashed, I had no clue this religion was so bad..he made it seem to nice, loving and peaceful. How can this wonderful loving, caring guy turn out to be so horrible..calling me evil, and cursed..then all of a sudden when I didn't convert, his behaviour changed..he could no longer love me fully anymore..but I got pregnant at this time. I gave him choices to do whatever he feels will benefit him..I was prepared to do all this on my own...He left and came back a few times..I never force him. If it wasn't for the religion our relationship would be awesome. I am not sure how much more I can take, or if he will leave someday..but I am prepared if he does..many times I wanted to leave..who knows what will happen someday.

Why are Muslims this way?? Can they change?

Qutuzistan
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat May 01, 2010 12:11 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Qutuzistan »

Newmember1973 wrote:I didn't marry him :*) I got involved in a relationship with him, we fell in love..it was all good at first. Its the same old story, he was such a nice guy, still is in certain ways..but so understanding when it comes to religion. I never hated muslims, I don't hate muslims..I'm just not a fan of the religion. At first I knew nothing of this religion..I was shocked and blown away..all the nice things he said wasn't true, he wasn't living up to it. He assumed I would convert..so he gave me time..I still didn't convert. Because I didn't follow him..is what caused all this problem. What I learned about Islam I learned from him and his and his family's behaviour...by the way I am from a hindu family doesn't mean I am hindu. He is definitely brainwashed, I had no clue this religion was so bad..he made it seem to nice, loving and peaceful. How can this wonderful loving, caring guy turn out to be so horrible..calling me evil, and cursed..then all of a sudden when I didn't convert, his behaviour changed..he could no longer love me fully anymore..but I got pregnant at this time. I gave him choices to do whatever he feels will benefit him..I was prepared to do all this on my own...He left and came back a few times..I never force him. If it wasn't for the religion our relationship would be awesome. I am not sure how much more I can take, or if he will leave someday..but I am prepared if he does..many times I wanted to leave..who knows what will happen someday.

Why are Muslims this way?? Can they change?
May i ask, what culture/country are you from? India?

Newmember1973
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

We grew up in North America but born in South America...not from India

Qutuzistan
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat May 01, 2010 12:11 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Qutuzistan »

Newmember1973 wrote:We grew up in North America but born in South America...not from India
But you're a hindu? Or of east-indian descent?
Last edited by Qutuzistan on Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Newmember1973
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

My family is Indian descent perhaps way back in the 1800s..I am not a Hindu, prefer not to give us a label..some of my family members practices hinduism, most don't.

Qutuzistan
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat May 01, 2010 12:11 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Qutuzistan »

Newmember1973 wrote:My family is Indian descent perhaps way back in the 1800s..I am not a Hindu, prefer not to give us a label..some of my family members practices hinduism, most don't.
All i can tell you really is that you should seperate. Now I don't pass the neccesary ethnic criteria to give you advice, for you dating a fringe muslim. But if it doesn't work out. You should remarry with a non-Muslim, and then segregate yourself from Muslims. It's the best thing you can do. Stay as far away from Muslims as possible. We're evil beings who want your soul.

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manfred
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Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:29 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by manfred »

Think about it.... If he "loves" you on condition that you do something is that love? Real love makes no conditions, none at all. You know the phrase "for better and for worse". These are not empty words. They mean exactly that. You should only marry who will say "no matter what happens" to you.

He is obviously not willing to make that kind of commitment. He wants to change YOU. He does not want to change. And don't think that by converting you will resolve some of these issues. In doing that you accept that he may have three other wives besides you, you accept that you must submit to him whenever he wants, and you accept that he may beat you, some say only "lightly".

So ask yourself, is he worth that huge sacrifice? What will he offer up for you?

You are a very strong woman, who will not be anybody's property. So make sure that he understands that.While he is a Muslim he will not be able to see a woman as anything different to what his religion defines them as.

Here is a Muslim cleric explaining the difference between a man and a woman. Have a look. You may see some things familiar to you.



He may not be quite as bad as that, but I am sure you discover similarities.

Be warned, though. If you decide to convert and then to marry him, you have accept that he sees you as in a way his property. He will gradually insist on a lot of changes. Food, you will be required to cook and eat meat. There are virtually no Muslim vegetarians. He will be a very jealous husband: he will not like it if you go out on your own, have your own friends, and he may even insist on you "covering up".

If you want my personal view, I would consider to find a new boyfriend or husband, someone who accepts and cherishes you just the way you are, and does not want to change you. I don't think he is a bad person, but you and him are simply too different.

Rare as it is,on this I agree with Qutuzistan...

I think you can do a lot better. "love" does not set conditions. It does not find fault. It accepts and encourages. Make it your project to find a man like that. I wish you luck. With patience you can and you will.

Start by explaining to him that it would be for the best of all concerned if you and he went separate ways.
Jesus: "Ask and you will receive." Mohammed: "Take and give me 20%"

Qutuzistan
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat May 01, 2010 12:11 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Qutuzistan »

lol........ I don't know. Maybe you should make an agreement with your husband for marriage. Don't listen to manfred. Manfred believes all muslim males are women hating chauvinist bigots who want to lock women up in their house and smallow the key. You can try to make an agreement. If he's too rigid with tradition, he'll refuse. If he's more open-minded about it, he'll agree. Just don't buy manfreds story that every muslim is like a saudi-arabian. I doubt that people like Manfred or Ali sina, ever were muslims. They have as much contact with muslims, as a the average white westerner. With their sickening, dehumanization of muslims.

Newmember1973
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

Nobody is bad or evil..in this case it is the religion. I would never convert, he and his family knows..that is why he is so angry. He says he is fighting a losing battle because i am an evil woman, he regrets not listening to his parents..He knows he can go and find a nice muslim woman who will follow him..he had a muslim girlfriend..but he didn't want to marry her. I am not restricting him, but he wont' leave..He left 2 times but came back both times. The last time is when I kicked him out of the house..he went to his family..they called me and tried to talk nice to me etc..He came back crying, saying that in his heart he knows that I am a good person..that is why he cannot leave, at that time he said he is getting confused he was brought up this way, family and imam's are advising him to leave me..but he says he can't because I did nothing wrong and I am a good person. He is okay, we have a nice life..only arguments when it comes to his family, and religion..like at Eid time to go to the mosque..i won't go and allow the kids to go. I told him, he can go,we will go the family's house and celebrate there..I won't go to the mosque. But it has been 10 years and never ending..I know we are two different personality...I don't know what the future holds..but I do have support of my family and can manage without him. Sometimes it appears that he is confused about religion...but he sticks to what he knows and is afraid to follow anything else..Many times when we talk..he says he gets fed up with this whole religion issue..especially when we listen to the news and of what is happening in the middle east..it makes him think I can see that..sometimes he gets mad and says perhaps it's best I don't follow any religion..then at times he would say..that those people in the middle east are not following true Islam. He goes back and forth this way..he seems very messed up and brainwashed. We had an argument the other day and yesterday apologized saying the same thing..'I'm a good person, that sometimes he lets his anger gets the better of him' that he shouldn't have called me names etc..He has changed a bit over the years and so has his family..Since I entered this family, things are not the same as it used to be. Birthday parties used to be sitting for dinner and listening to islamic programs..now A few family members are having parties with alcohol and his father is upset about it..and realizing that the young generations are growing up..My bf sister is dating a hindu priests son..who won't convert but she loves him..you know..the young generation are eating non halal when they go out..some of them..all these things changed..His brother married a christian woman who wont' convert Either..I am just observing, and being myself..I pray that god guide me and them in the right direction.

thanks for reading and offering your advices :)

Newmember1973
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

Qutuzistan wrote:lol........ I don't know. Maybe you should make an agreement with your husband for marriage. Don't listen to manfred. Manfred believes all muslim males are women hating chauvinist bigots who want to lock women up in their house and smallow the key. You can try to make an agreement. If he's too rigid with tradition, he'll refuse. If he's more open-minded about it, he'll agree. Just don't buy manfreds story that every muslim is like a saudi-arabian. I doubt that people like Manfred or Ali sina, ever were muslims. They have as much contact with muslims, as a the average white westerner. With their sickening, dehumanization of muslims.
He asked me to marry him many times..I said no,if we were to get married then we can go to city hall and do it. He won't agree, so we are living without getting married. He won't marry me unless I do it islamic way...that is why I suggested going to city hall..it's not hindu nor is it Islamic.. The way he thinks..baffles me..it's not human..what kind of a religion is this?

Newmember1973
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Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

@manfred, I agree "love knows no condition" that is my motto I live by.

Qutuzistan
Posts: 144
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Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Qutuzistan »

Newmember1973 wrote:
Qutuzistan wrote:lol........ I don't know. Maybe you should make an agreement with your husband for marriage. Don't listen to manfred. Manfred believes all muslim males are women hating chauvinist bigots who want to lock women up in their house and smallow the key. You can try to make an agreement. If he's too rigid with tradition, he'll refuse. If he's more open-minded about it, he'll agree. Just don't buy manfreds story that every muslim is like a saudi-arabian. I doubt that people like Manfred or Ali sina, ever were muslims. They have as much contact with muslims, as a the average white westerner. With their sickening, dehumanization of muslims.
He asked me to marry him many times..I said no,if we were to get married then we can go to city hall and do it. He won't agree, so we are living without getting married. He won't marry me unless I do it islamic way...that is why I suggested going to city hall..it's not hindu nor is it Islamic.. The way he thinks..baffles me..it's not human..what kind of a religion is this?
It's a socially conservative religion. It requires more strictness and discipline than other religions. You need to maintain certain moral rules. Personally i think it needs a reform. I have reinterperated some parts of it.

Newmember1973
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Joined: Tue Mar 19, 2013 10:18 pm

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Newmember1973 »

Honestly the beliefs of this religion seems violent in every way..no freedom..just a lot of fear. I have not met one muslim that is different..so far they all seem to think alike, some more extreme than others..Well actually my friends step father is muslim but he is not practicing, he eats pork, drink never prays. seems like a scary religion and it needs to change..I see small changes in muslim youths of today..many are breaking certain rules, like drinking, eating non halal foods etc..

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enceladus
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Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by enceladus »

Newmember1973 wrote:@manfred, I agree "love knows no condition" that is my motto I live by.


A very warm welcome to you, NM1973!

I agree with Manfred. It sounds like this guy wants to change you. True love is when people love their partner *as they are*.

I very much hope that you will stay around here, and maybe encourage a few of your friends to visit too.

Bye for now -
- enceladus

Raj_Flower
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Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 9:24 am

Re: Frustrated, this is my story

Post by Raj_Flower »

The argument over the rights and wrongs about islam can go on I am sure on another forum.

I wouldnt recommend entering into a relation with a moslem anyway. There is simply too much intolerance, crazy beliefs that defy rational thinking, easily reverting to fundamentalism, and a good chance of either being dumped at a later stage if you dont convert to islam or pressure is put on by family to come home to the family and live in halal/clean environment.

The risk is very high.

Thats the case when still the partner wants to remain a moslem.

Consider a scale from belief to having total disbelief- the risks get steadily less I am thinking. But my question is what can you ask or observe to see where on the a moslem is?

And more importantly to me how can I show someone where on the scale I am?

The guy in this case seems reasonable because he is N. America. She is there too and knows there is justice if he uses or threatens violence. You are a lucky lady.

BTW Does he eat pork? Where the children circumcised?

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