Apostate of Islam and now alone

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Aaliyah
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Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2010 10:07 pm
Location: London

Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Aaliyah »

I am 17 and have recently freed myself from Islam and it's backwards ideologies. But however being the only member of my family to have crossed this path I sit in darkness, alone. To them I am a different person, I have two personalities. Around them I am still Muslim who prays, fasts and reads the quran mindlessly but deep down I am an agnostic/atheist teenager who has a free mind, drinks, smokes, mingles and does almost everything Islam prohibits. Apart from sex lol.
I need my family, not only financially but I love them all. I know it'll be over for me if I tell them, my dad will probably end my life or disown me (considering that I am a female). I hate what religion does to families! it separates us all.
None of them know who I truly am and what I am capable of.
Well anyway I don't exactly know where to begin with this but let me go on further and try to explain the reasons I left. First of all, the teachings are just absurd. Ever since I was little I was afraid of Allah, I had no compassion for him. To me he was just this being that punished you brutally if you didn't obey his commands. I felt oppressed, my mum would say these horrible things to me about what would happen if I disobeyed Allah. Whenever I questioned the teachings she'd ignore me. She'd tell me how life was short and we should do all we can to obey Allah. She'd threaten me with the day of judgment. She'd bash at me for drawing pictures (I am an art student) of humans and tell me how Allah will order me to bring them to life. My parents don't give a sh!t about what I do in life, they don't care about my achievements. But if I do something to do with Islam then it's a different story - I'd always get compared to my pious cousin.
My parents attacked me for having non-Muslim friends- they'd blame them for the way I was behaving (Drawing, listening to music, dressing differently). I got caught wearing shorts and my dad wouldn't let me see my friends. He prayed they'd all get hit by a car. He accused me of being brainwashed by the west! I mean as soon as I think for myself does that mean I am brain washed? But anyway a little off topic here lol. So I read some of the english translations of the quran, never had I read such a negative book in my life! I mean it's full of contradictions, hatred and violence. Especially the Surahs that were revealed in Medina. To me the prophet just seemed like a power, wealth and sex hungry pedophile. He raped slave women, he had 13 wives and he slept with a child ( I am sorry I don't care what the circumstances are..but that's just horrid!). I've been on numerous Islamic sites where they try to defend his acts but fail miserably. The unhealthy approach islam has to modesty is just dumb and the way women are considered second class citizens. They claim that Islam gave women rights way before the west, in my opinion Islam gave us a pet status a sort of animal that needs to be tended to and taken care of. Equality is completely out of the question! and in return women always be sexually available and must look after HIS home when he's out. Women can't travel without a mahram (this has excluded me from field trips abroad) and women have to wear hijab (I don't need a hijab to be modest).
Also what makes me laugh is all these sudden scientific claims in the quran, they were never heard of till recently where some desperate Muslims try to take ambiguous ayahs that could mean anything and turn them scientific! I have failed to see any leading scientists whom are Muslims. It's just stupid and sad really!
Furthermore; My mum once told me to never question the teachings of Islam. I've even read a sahih bukari hadith about this! this certainly insulted my intelligence and sanity! It's most excellent human nature to question. That's how we learn, we don't follow blindly it's j mentally damaging.
I also can't understand praying and fasting, it's not helping anyone, it's just a waste of time. It's also mindless, the way we bow down and babble surahs that we can't understand the meaning of!
Finally I can't respect a god who puts worship above everything! a good god would make love and morality primary! a good god would create a religion that did us all good and yet I fail to see any good Islam has done. Apart from zakat but that's mostly only given to poor muslims. Why do we need a book to tell us right from wrong, especially one full of contradictions and stupidity. We all know right from wrong.

This came out as a little rant sorry and I can go on forever but I just sorta needed to get it off my chest haha. oh and nice to meet ya'll :*)

Wootah
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Wootah »

My heart goes out to you. Whatever this site can provide by way of comfort we can only try. You are alone but not alone. Many millions are stuck like you and many millions have broken free. :heartbeat:

Aaliyah
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Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2010 10:07 pm
Location: London

Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Aaliyah »

Thanks wootah, I've also read your testimony my heart goes out to you too. I dream of the day this horrible cult dies out and our children are raised in a society where they are free to think for themselves. I'll be dead by then though lol

Brendalee
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Brendalee »

Welcome Aaliyah. That was a very moving testimony. I really feel for you.

Of course you not only love your family, but you have a great emotional dependence on them also. This puts you in a very serious situation. You must not let them know...not under any circumstance. And you must not get careless, particularly if you are going to visit such sites as this one on the computer.

If your family are religiously inclined, as you seem to think, then they will soon be pressuring you to marry a "good Muslim man". No matter how much you love your family, your life is still your own. To keep it that way, you must keep right on praying and doing all the things which will convince them that you are "ok" from a religious point of view and which will permit them to defer putting too much pressure on you to get married off. This is tough because you are an age where you do not care to have others telling you what to do and think; and being in a Western country should not fool you into thinking you are "safe" from being forced into things. The fact that you believe your father capable of killing you is something you should not toss off lightly.

I may be an old lady, but I remember very clearly what it was like to be a teenager; and although I was never a Muslim and never in any danger of being outcast or harmed or pressured to marry, I do know what its like to pretend to believe in a religion when you don't just to please family members who you love.

I think you will have to be patient; I believe that when you get older, a break with your family will be inevitable. It will be that or else submit. But that time is hopefully some way off still. So I hope you will do nothing rash and avoid conflict.

I also hope you will get some good advice and support here. Again, welcome to FFI.

Aaliyah
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Location: London

Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Aaliyah »

Brendalee wrote:Welcome Aaliyah. That was a very moving testimony. I really feel for you.

Of course you not only love your family, but you have a great emotional dependence on them also. This puts you in a very serious situation. You must not let them know...not under any circumstance. And you must not get careless, particularly if you are going to visit such sites as this one on the computer.

If your family are religiously inclined, as you seem to think, then they will soon be pressuring you to marry a "good Muslim man". No matter how much you love your family, your life is still your own. To keep it that way, you must keep right on praying and doing all the things which will convince them that you are "ok" from a religious point of view and which will permit them to defer putting too much pressure on you to get married off. This is tough because you are an age where you do not care to have others telling you what to do and think; and being in a Western country should not fool you into thinking you are "safe" from being forced into things. The fact that you believe your father capable of killing you is something you should not toss off lightly.

I may be an old lady, but I remember very clearly what it was like to be a teenager; and although I was never a Muslim and never in any danger of being outcast or harmed or pressured to marry, I do know what its like to pretend to believe in a religion when you don't just to please family members who you love.

I think you will have to be patient; I believe that when you get older, a break with your family will be inevitable. It will be that or else submit. But that time is hopefully some way off still. So I hope you will do nothing rash and avoid conflict.

I also hope you will get some good advice and support here. Again, welcome to FFI.

Thanks Brendalee :D
And don't worry, there is no way i will be careless enough to reveal my apostasy (besides it comes with death). I am afraid for my future, I'll never become independent unless I am married. I already know my fate. It's so hard being an apostate but being a women on top of that makes things worse. My dad has threatened me numerous times also (death threats) because occasionally there are those times where I get into trouble. So it won't be too much of a surprise if he tries to kill me. I've told one of my cousins, who i trust and am very close to. She understands and even told me herself to never reveal this to my parents because it'll be all over for me.
Anyways I just wanted to share my story and hopefully I can get some tips of everyone or so and so :)

Brendalee
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Brendalee »

Marriage is NOT independence for a woman married to a religious Muslim man. You are not tied to your fate; You just feel powerless. I hope that will gradually change for you. I presume you are still at school and I suspect you live in a Muslim area. You must consider leaving it, moving to a non-Muslim area, changing your name by deed poll, and getting a job. Start saving every penny you can, even if that means no smoking and no social expenses. Even if you have NO money at all(but its LOTS better if you do!), it is possible to survive in an unfamiliar locality and not have to do anything immoral. It's TOUGH, but possible. I know because I did it TWICE when I was younger.

It is 1AM here in Britain, and I must get myself to bed for some rest. I hope to speak with you another time.

Aaliyah
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Aaliyah »

Brendalee wrote:Marriage is NOT independence for a woman married to a religious Muslim man. You are not tied to your fate; You just feel powerless. I hope that will gradually change for you. I presume you are still at school and I suspect you live in a Muslim area. You must consider leaving it, moving to a non-Muslim area, changing your name by deed poll, and getting a job. Start saving every penny you can, even if that means no smoking and no social expenses. Even if you have NO money at all(but its LOTS better if you do!), it is possible to survive in an unfamiliar locality and not have to do anything immoral. It's TOUGH, but possible. I know because I did it TWICE when I was younger.

It is 1AM here in Britain, and I must get myself to bed for some rest. I hope to speak with you another time.
Lol I am a brit too, I don't live in a muslim area. I live in London..so occasionally I can get away from my religious home life when I am in college and stuff. You're right I do feel powerless, I am tied to my family life. I'd like to hear about you too, what happened when you were younger..
hope to hear form you soon :)

Ram
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Ram »

Aaliyah, welcome to the Forum. I was touched by your testimony and can sense your anguish. Be careful. I have read many horror stories about young women like yourself who were harmed by their parents and brothers. I live in Canada. Aqsa Pervez. a beautiful young woman of Pakistani origin in Toronto was strangled by her father and brother for refusing to wear the hijab. In Montreal an Afghan woman stabbed her 19 year old daughter because she came home late in the morning after being with her friends; luckily she is alive but disfigured. Thankfully she will be okay.

Just act like a normal Muslim teenage girl with your family. After you complete your education, are financially independent and able to live apart from your family you can stop being a Muslim.
वासुदैव कुटुम्बकम्।
سارا سنسار ایک پریوار ہے۔
The Whole World is a Family.

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AussieGeo
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by AussieGeo »

Hi Aaliyah,

I admire your courage and felt very badly for your position, I however can't relate as I have never been religious myself. I will however back up what the others are saying, your independence and thus religious freedom can only be acquired through gaining a financial position that allows you some room. At the moment you feel hopeless and see no way out but once you get a job and can afford to move out you won't have to live a lie any more. As for marriage, I think you are like virtually every teenager in the west and want to marry for love, don't do it out of pressure from family members as the suitor they pick will only be an extension of their control on you.

Your life however is the most important thing, you must be careful as I think you realise that even the most loving parents can turn violent in the face of apostaty.

Hope you stick around and participate in the discussions as non-muslims like myself learn a lot from people like you and you seem very down to earth and sensible, by the sound of it our religious view are very similar.

Best wishes

AG

Aaliyah
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Location: London

Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Aaliyah »

Thank you AG and Ram, both very kind and welcoming :)

@Ram
I know of the stories, I am of egyptian origin and need to consider my safety as the people of my background can be very strict, Do you remember Amina and Sarah Sayed, both very beautiful egyptian girls both around the same age as me. I can understand what they probably went through up till their deaths. It's such a waste their father was mad, he is hiding in Egypt somewhere. It's no lie apostasy is punishable by death confirmed by both quran and hadith.
I am scared I won't be dependent till I am married, I can barely leave the house without being interrogated. I can't go on school trips that involve staying abroad (this regards the traveling alone without a mahram hadith) so it's obvious I won't be able to leave my sh!t hole of a house till I am married. :(

@AG
My parents can be so loving at times, but they do turn violent. My dad has threatened me numerous times and my mum has wished I was dead. My dad himself told me if I leave Islam I am dead. Getting a job is so difficult but hopefully I will, I am thinking of running away and going to a university campus but I don't want to leave my younger siblings. I fear for what will happen to them. They might get sent to Egypt or something. They've already lost son. My older brother became an addict and left the house.
Anyway yep I look forward to participating in the discussions.

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enceladus
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by enceladus »

A very warm welcome to you, Aaliyah.

I feel so sorry for you. I just cannot imagine being in your circumstances, living with such strict parents who (like many Muslim parents) have their priorities utterly wrong - putting their "religion" (oops... cult) before their children. It really must be an awful situation to be in.
The thought that popped into my head was that some parents don't deserve the wonderful children that they have.

Anyway, you will find a great deal of support here. I wouldn't say I myself am great at giving advice, but many others here are. Brendalee has already given some really good advice here, with her suggestions of moving to a non-Muslim area, changing your name by deed-poll and getting a job. Maybe something like baby-sitting or cleaning? They tend to be jobs that have flexible hours which would allow you to fit them in easier. If you're prepared to move, you could even look at something like fruit-picking or farm work (milking cows, for example - I've done a fair bit of that) - just tossing in ideas here. Farm jobs have the advantage that they tend to be a long way away from where any Muslims would be. Some of those jobs even come with little on-farm cottages - that would be ideal for you.

Yet another option could be to join the Army or Navy. I don't know what the minimum age is in the UK at which you can join without your parents' consent, but you'd be getting close to it, I think. Doesn't have to be a combat role either - there are things like cooks, logistics (supplies) and various other non-combat roles. Anyway, the armed forces often have training bases away from towns, and at least you'd be *certain* there to have people around you all the time to protect you. Also, joining the forces would take care of both accommodation and money! Might be worth thinking about, anyway.

Very best wishes from me - looking forward to seeing more of your posts! Bye for now -
- enceladus

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gupsfu
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by gupsfu »

Aaliyah wrote:My parents attacked me for having non-Muslim friends- they'd blame them for the way I was behaving (Drawing, listening to music, dressing differently). I got caught wearing shorts and my dad wouldn't let me see my friends. He prayed they'd all get hit by a car. He accused me of being brainwashed by the west!
Aaliyah, have you ever asked your father why he hasn't moved your family to an Islamic country since he hates the people and culture of the West so much?
"Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me." ~ Roger Waters

Ram
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Ram »

Aaliyah wrote:Thank you AG and Ram, both very kind and welcoming :)
Thank you for posting your story.
Aaliyah wrote:@Ram
I know of the stories, I am of egyptian origin and need to consider my safety as the people of my background can be very strict, Do you remember Amina and Sarah Sayed, both very beautiful egyptian girls both around the same age as me. I can understand what they probably went through up till their deaths. It's such a waste their father was mad, he is hiding in Egypt somewhere. It's no lie apostasy is punishable by death confirmed by both quran and hadith.
I am scared I won't be dependent till I am married, I can barely leave the house without being interrogated. I can't go on school trips that involve staying abroad (this regards the traveling alone without a mahram hadith) so it's obvious I won't be able to leave my sh!t hole of a house till I am married. :(

@AG
My parents can be so loving at times, but they do turn violent. My dad has threatened me numerous times and my mum has wished I was dead. My dad himself told me if I leave Islam I am dead. Getting a job is so difficult but hopefully I will, I am thinking of running away and going to a university campus but I don't want to leave my younger siblings. I fear for what will happen to them. They might get sent to Egypt or something. They've already lost son. My older brother became an addict and left the house.
Anyway yep I look forward to participating in the discussions.
It is good that you understand your situation. I remember the story of Amina and Sayed. You won't be safe if your husband turns out to be like your father - it is like from one sh!t hole into another. I presume that you are living in a western country.

What I am about suggest may not be practical. But since you are still young and very intelligent you should use your imagination and try to come up with different scenarios. Look at various possibilities. You have to be resourceful. Talk to a woman whom you can trust, preferably ex-Muslim woman,see how she dealt with it; perhaps to a non-Muslim woman. Get information about some shelters where you can go in case your life is in danger - this is a last resort. Don't write the information, commit to memory. Or write it cryptically in numbers and letters so it looks like an algebra, calculus equation etc. Think in the long term with a cool head. Meanwhile try not to give any excuse to your parents. Think about learning a skill to fall back on without making your parents suspicious. Whatever you do, let your parents think that you are still a Muslim. Make them believe that you have your doubts but you will never give up Islam. I know it is hypocritical but your survival is at stake. My good thoughts are with you.

Following is a very good site run by ex-Muslims of Britain. I think it will be worth visiting.

http://www.councilofexmuslims.com/index.php
वासुदैव कुटुम्बकम्।
سارا سنسار ایک پریوار ہے۔
The Whole World is a Family.

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Sten
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Sten »

Please make sure your internet usage is covered up, use private browsing on firefox or something - you do not want your parents to find this site and what you have written on it.
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
- Carl Sagan

Eopithecus
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Eopithecus »

You need to run away and fast. If you fear for your life then you must find some sort of organization that will help you. Talk to a minister at a church or contact a shelter for women but get out. They love their Allah not you they've made their choice. You make yours.

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enceladus
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by enceladus »

Eopithecus wrote:You need to run away and fast. If you fear for your life then you must find some sort of organization that will help you. Talk to a minister at a church or contact a shelter for women but get out. They love their Allah not you they've made their choice. You make yours.


I agree.

A minister at a church will be very understanding. He or she will be able to make all the necessary arrangements for you. All you need to do is to ask them, and I'm sure that after you've done so, you'll be really glad that you did.
- enceladus

Brendalee
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Brendalee »

I am not so certain. The idea that she can just walk into any church and expect help from them is probably a bit naive. I think that few churches would take the chance of involvement in something which could backfire if discovered and put the church in a position to be damaged. Her best chance in this regard is to find one which sponsors a politically active group, sympathetic to her cause. Does anyone know of a specific church in London like that?

If she can sneak away and talk to a shelter organisation for women however, this may well be helpful. Even if it is only a phone call made from college, it might be valuable.

A bit of cool-headed thinking and careful planning while maintaining an outward appearance of compliance, in my view, is more likely to lead to eventual success than a rash headlong rush.

Don't forget: Aaliyah has expressed concern over her younger siblings being taken to Egypt because of her actions. This should not stop her from pursuing her own life, but its understandable if she tries to minimise the risk to them. If she thinks there is a big risk to them, then it is probable that they have actually talked about returning to Egypt since her brother left home, and this has given her the fear that they may actually do so.

She does, I think, need to "vanish" at some point- telling NO ONE (not even her cousin). But I think the family must believe that she does so as a Muslim who intends to continue her faith, and probably is leaving only temporarily (thus they have no chance to retrieve her if they return to Egypt), and due to factors not concerned with her faith. (She can post a letter to them after she is safely away.)

She needs to get documents like her birth certificate, without being detected (discovering where they are but not removing them until she goes).

We know little of her ACTUAL situation, only the parts she has posted. There are bound to be elements we are unaware of. Only she herself in in a position to understand ALL the varied facets. Trusting her cousin was a mistake. No matter how well-intentioned her cousin may be, if Aaliyah DOES actually vanish, this cousin will be the first likely target for extreme pressure and scrutiny. Better then if Aaliyah backtracks a little and convinces even this cousin that she has realised that religion is not the problem.

Running away is no solution if it fails. A failed attempt will make her situation far worse. To succeed, she must be patient enough to plan carefully and avoid rash blind alleys.

Aaliyah
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Aaliyah »

Thanks for all you advice guys, it means alot.

@Brenda Lee I trust my cousin and you're right even she herself sees the problems with islam and she kinda understands why I chose to leave. Her reaction was good, She told me to be careful and to not tell anyone.
Also the thing is I really do love my dad aswell, this is why i can't leave. It's just how he puts religion before everything that gets on my nerves. I am planning to get a job when im 18 and moving out, or going to a uni campus. My dad is kinda having financial problems so im not sure it's likely he'll take the family to egypt for good. Besides it'll take him a while to settle down there and family members here will urge him to stay. But I like what you said without me just leaving and sending a message that i am ok.

Ram
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by Ram »

Aaliyah wrote:Thanks for all you advice guys, it means alot.

@Brenda Lee I trust my cousin and you're right even she herself sees the problems with islam and she kinda understands why I chose to leave. Her reaction was good, She told me to be careful and to not tell anyone.
Also the thing is I really do love my dad aswell, this is why i can't leave. It's just how he puts religion before everything that gets on my nerves. I am planning to get a job when im 18 and moving out, or going to a uni campus. My dad is kinda having financial problems so im not sure it's likely he'll take the family to egypt for good. Besides it'll take him a while to settle down there and family members here will urge him to stay. But I like what you said without me just leaving and sending a message that i am ok.
Hi Aaliyah again. It is good that your cousin understands you. She is right, do not tell anyone. Can you move out after you get a job? Will your Dad allow it? Even after you move out it will be a good idea NOT to talk about leaving Islam. Just stay normal and live a non-Islamic life. Hopefully, your Dad will not get violent so that your life is in danger.
वासुदैव कुटुम्बकम्।
سارا سنسار ایک پریوار ہے۔
The Whole World is a Family.

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expozIslam
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Re: Apostate of Islam and now alone

Post by expozIslam »

Welcome to FFI .
“The truth, of course, is that a billion falsehoods told a billion times by a billion people are still false.”

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