hi, I just joined the forum and I want to briefly post my story. I am a western woman in my thirties now. About 10 years ago, I converted to islam. I was drawn to it by the so called light version, I even joined this forum for a while and I was then shocked by the harsh view on islam. I did some attempts to defend my newly found faith... how I regret it now. I really fell for the victim stories about how all the media is trying to attack the muslims with false versions of islam.
Anyhow, I became a muslim, after about a year I started to wear hijab and after about 2 years I found a muslim man whom I married islamically after some months because as you all know you cannot date in islam. My family was not really amused of course, but they did not reject me or something. I lived as a muslim, did full ramadan twice and half of a ramadan again but as I had severe doubts by then I didn't finish it. I prayed five times a day including getting up at 4 in the morning to do fajr, I argued with my boss to wear hijab at work, and pray at work, escaped to the mosque during lunch break to not miss a prayer etc. etc.
After about 1 year living with my husband, I began to doubt. Not because of him, I must say this honestly, he never treated me badly at all. But I started to delve into the faith deeper and deeper, read the biography of the Prophet, read so many horrifying Quraan verses and ahadith. Of course I explained all away, it was simply a wrong translation, not a sahih hadith etc. etc., it was the media misrepresenting things, if only I kept on looking for the 'real' islam yada yada yada.
But things just didn't add up. Now I know, from studying the psychological point of view, it was cognitive dissonance. If you believe something, you want to keep believing especially if it has become part of your life. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for many of those born into islam. Me, I was lucky I lost 'only' my husband because of course our islamic marriage was automaticcaly null when I finally left. His family has never spoken to me since. It was a sad time in my life.
I have many discussions online with muslims, I dare not use my real name for it but I think it is so important that we speak up and keep telling the world what is the reality. But usually, the muslims stick their heads in the sand and do not want to hear the harsh words. I hear the words islamophobe, liar, you have no real knowledge etc. etc even though I probably read more in these years than they have ever read in their whole lives. I read Quraan with full tafsir, so many ahadith, translation of sirah. And I am still reading, I guess it will be a lifetime interest for me now. I think we are in grave danger and many of us don't even realise it.
After this, I had unfortunately two experiences in a relationship with a narcissist / psychopath and I can only say, it is the EXACT same thing as described in Quraan. An abuser with personality disorder treats a woman exactly as is ordained in islam, he is exactly as paranoid about anyone criticising him or opposing him as Muhammad was, he is exactly as two-faced as Muhammad: charming, friendly in his Meccan period but ruthless and vile when he has enough power to let his mask come off. Just today I read Ali Sina's description of Muhammad as a psychopath and I find this description SPOT ON. That's why I have decided to join.