another ex convert

[exmuslim1]

hi, I just joined the forum and I want to briefly post my story. I am a western woman in my thirties now. About 10 years ago, I converted to islam. I was drawn to it by the so called light version, I even joined this forum for a while and I was then shocked by the harsh view on islam. I did some attempts to defend my newly found faith... how I regret it now. I really fell for the victim stories about how all the media is trying to attack the muslims with false versions of islam.

Anyhow, I became a muslim, after about a year I started to wear hijab and after about 2 years I found a muslim man whom I married islamically after some months because as you all know you cannot date in islam. My family was not really amused of course, but they did not reject me or something. I lived as a muslim, did full ramadan twice and half of a ramadan again but as I had severe doubts by then I didn't finish it. I prayed five times a day including getting up at 4 in the morning to do fajr, I argued with my boss to wear hijab at work, and pray at work, escaped to the mosque during lunch break to not miss a prayer etc. etc.

After about 1 year living with my husband, I began to doubt. Not because of him, I must say this honestly, he never treated me badly at all. But I started to delve into the faith deeper and deeper, read the biography of the Prophet, read so many horrifying Quraan verses and ahadith. Of course I explained all away, it was simply a wrong translation, not a sahih hadith etc. etc., it was the media misrepresenting things, if only I kept on looking for the 'real' islam yada yada yada.

But things just didn't add up. Now I know, from studying the psychological point of view, it was cognitive dissonance. If you believe something, you want to keep believing especially if it has become part of your life. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for many of those born into islam. Me, I was lucky I lost 'only' my husband because of course our islamic marriage was automaticcaly null when I finally left. His family has never spoken to me since. It was a sad time in my life.

I have many discussions online with muslims, I dare not use my real name for it but I think it is so important that we speak up and keep telling the world what is the reality. But usually, the muslims stick their heads in the sand and do not want to hear the harsh words. I hear the words islamophobe, liar, you have no real knowledge etc. etc even though I probably read more in these years than they have ever read in their whole lives. I read Quraan with full tafsir, so many ahadith, translation of sirah. And I am still reading, I guess it will be a lifetime interest for me now. I think we are in grave danger and many of us don't even realise it.

After this, I had unfortunately two experiences in a relationship with a narcissist / psychopath and I can only say, it is the EXACT same thing as described in Quraan. An abuser with personality disorder treats a woman exactly as is ordained in islam, he is exactly as paranoid about anyone criticising him or opposing him as Muhammad was, he is exactly as two-faced as Muhammad: charming, friendly in his Meccan period but ruthless and vile when he has enough power to let his mask come off. Just today I read Ali Sina's description of Muhammad as a psychopath and I find this description SPOT ON. That's why I have decided to join.

[Ariel]

Hi exmuslim1. Welcome.

I am sorry it took some time to approve your post. But from now you can post without waiting for approval. Have fun, and so glad to see you. Thank you for your story. I am sorry you had to find out the truth about Islam the hard way.

[Hombre]

Until now we have heard from male who left Islam. It is refreshing to read from a lady whom also left Islam.

welcome

[exmuslim1]

Hi, thank you! I now see there is a testimony from ex muslim section, silly me did not see it. Can my post be moved there?

[Ariel]

Hi, thank you! I now see there is a testimony from ex muslim section, silly me did not see it. Can my post be moved there?

Done.

[survivor]

A hearty welcome, exmuslim1.
Hope you will enjoy your stay here.
Also, looking forward to reading your contribution exposing mohammad and his alter ego, alla, so, you can help to stop atleast a few innocent women from your country falling prey to this evil cult called i slam, in the future.

[exmuslim1]

thanks @survivor, I sure will. Even though I sometimes think that people really have to find out for themselves, I was in the same position where people tried to use reason with me and gave me all the examples. but I just did not want to listen. I just WANTED to believe everything was all rosy and friendly... I guess this was my worldview, trying to see the good in everyone. Now, I am far less naive which I think is a good thing.

[Ariel]

You fell for the sugar version of Islam exmuslim1, as we call it at the Dutch FFI forum. . And you are not the only one. Perhaps that helps you to feel better. You are needed now !!! Like the two persons in the links I gave you. They helped many naive girls out of Islam.

I hope you have not suffered much.

[exmuslim1]

Ariel, actually I was on this forum before and I think it was you as well who told me don't fall for the sugar coated islam. But I just didn't want to believe it.
What I would like to say to others who are in the same position, is be very careful to not fall for the victim role. I remember I thought oh when everybody is hating them so much and the media is so much trying to oppose them, they are the victim and you see all those things the 'real muslims' are telling me are so nice and friendly so maybe the media are really lying and stigmatising. But I did not realise I was being served only the nice parts of islam.

Well have I suffered, somewhat yes but less than people from islamic countries and families I am sure. My husband kicked me out, I had a huge identity crisis, actually fear and paranoia is it really not true, am I rearlly safe not to believe this - even then I was so indoctrinated by fear of hell. I remember being so afraid and it felt like living in a horror movie, I was walking around with the feeling like ok so all the people I see here, in the supermarket, on the street etc., loads of them are going to hell forever. It was worse than the worst horror movie. If this was the truth of life I can not believe that muslims can believe it and be happy for one day of their lives...

[Ariel]

and you see all those things the 'real muslims' are telling me are so nice and friendly so maybe the media are really lying and stigmatising. But I did not realise I was being served only the nice parts of islam.

I know exmuslim1. Islam is like a warm blanket at first. Muslims treat you as if you are a very special person.
And if you are a (dumb ) man, you are ok if you stay a Muslim all your life. Life could not be better.. Like Arnoud van Doorn. I am sure you know him. Muslims adore him. An ex PVV-er, and now a Muslim. Wow!!!! Allah Ackbar.... You get invited to Mekka, and they give you a car, and who knows, money. No wonder he will never "lose his faith" He never had this kind of attention . At last he is now someone of importance. He would be mad to become an exmoslim.... He can fake being a Muslim and no one would care. But if you are woman, a very intelligent woman, like you and Dutch, things are different. No power for you, but submission to Allah, your husband and his family.

Well have I suffered, somewhat yes but less than people from islamic countries and families I am sure. My husband kicked me out, I had a huge identity crisis, actually fear and paranoia is it really not true, am I rearlly safe not to believe this - even then I was so indoctrinated by fear of hell. I remember being so afraid and it felt like living in a horror movie, I was walking around with the feeling like ok so all the people I see here, in the supermarket, on the street etc., loads of them are going to hell forever. It was worse than the worst horror movie. If this was the truth of life I can not believe that muslims can believe it and be happy for one day of their lives...

I hope you have left all this nonsense behind you. You do not go to hell, and you won't be fed boiling water, and you do not have to eat fruits of the tree of Zaqqum. But what you went through, most of the ex-Muslims have to live through . So sad...

Sometimes I tell family members who think that Islam is not too bad, how Islam teaches Hell . That it is a real place prepared by God for those who do not believe in Him, rebel against His laws, and reject His messengers. They don't believe me. I tell my family that Christian hell is a far better place to be in. ( joking. I do not believe in hell)

Great you left this silly and dangerous religion exmuslim!. Be happy girl, and go on with your life .

BTW. I hope we have not treated you too unkindly when you visited the Dutch forum.

[exmuslim1]

haha, you sometimes were quite direct... ;-) but you know what, those little sparks of doubt they stay in your head, that's why I remember this forum even now and came back ;-)

It's true, it's like a warm bath, you suddenly are surrounded by new and kind people, well new and kind as long as you are not uttering criticism but well... I remember it was like wow masha'Allah a new convert, even a western woman, fantastic you see, so many western women convert!

Then later when I became vocal with my criticism and I said I had deconverted, they would not believe me they called me a liar, and say I have no knowledge, and I was never a muslim of course not... now I suddenly needed to prove myself by citing the complete Quraan in Arab or whatever stupid test, whereas before they of course called me a muslim because they could use me to make other people believe all is great in islam!

I must say my husband was very kind, he never 'submitted' me, neither did his family, I was free to decide but of course the result of this freedom is when they never talked to me again when I left. And my husband telling me during my time of doubt I 'should go and find some good muslimah friends'. (instead of the dirty untrustable kaafir ones I had, which of course he never said out loud ). I believe my ex husband was in heart a kind man but completely stuck in his own faith, living like some kind of schizophrenic seeing in reality goodness in all kinds of people but having to believe these same people were worthless because of their different religion. He later even praised me for my character, and I almost said: be careful for praising me, your god will punish you for praising a kaafir. But I didn't say it

[Hombre]

Here is a fascinating documentary by "frontline" in US.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/frontline/film/ ... uncovered/

[Ibn Rushd]

Welcome back. I too fell for the sugar Islam. No one believes us when we tell our story, so each time we re-invent the wheel.

Hope you have a good time here, and we can help each other. I have an idea that I started discussing here. Would you consider going to such a place at the current point in your life?