Vesta wrote:Hi everyone.
I am a 19 year old girl living in Middle east.I used to be a faithful Shiite Muslim. I defended Islam with all my strength.I wanted others to see the truth of Islam but suddenly it was me who started to see things differently.as soon as i finished school i started to doubt in many things.when i started university everything worsened.With every new word that i read i lose a part of my faith.
I wasn't trying to find some excuse not to wear Hijab or go to parties.My belief was shaken by more fundamental things.I began to feel that many excuses that are offered for some things in Islam are shallow and i would not have accepted them if they were from another group.So suddenly i woke up and with a panicked.Until then i have considered myself an opened minded Muslim.But then i looked at myself and saw that i am losing my faith completely.I was frantic and tried to regain my faith with extreme forms of prayer but that didn't answer.Even speaking of Islam was sickening for me.I felt very guilty.I felt that what ever i am feeling are because of my sins.
since then i am feeling worse and worse.Some times i feel depressed other times aggressive and angry.I feel that i should gave up on my faith but i feel so lost and terrified.Some times i am sure that some thing will happen to me for the way i am feeling.Some times i think what if all the conclusions i have made are all wrong and i am going to the wrong way?
My parents though educated fiercely believe in political Islam. I can't leave them and live some where else.I can't tell them how i feel.If i tell them that i can't be a Muslim anymore there would be no university no Internet no e books any more.Probably they will force me to marry some GOOD MAN.It's not that they are cruel.They just want me to go to heaven instead of hell and they think that God's love is above any love.I don't want to hurt them and if i turn my back to Islam it will
Welcome Vesta. To learn the truth is glorious. You are on a right track. Be patient. Inform yourself as much as possible. You are not loosing faith, what you are loosing is the myths you have been taught. You were made to believe that the myths of Shiite Islam are facts. You are finding out that myths are not facts, they are just beliefs. So do not despair. Give yourself time.
Right now, keep your thoughts to yourself. Get education. When you will be independent are able to be on your own you can decide what to do. If possible, go to a Western country for education. You can start working on it right away.