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Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:16 am
by TheQueenOfTruth
Hi all! Long time since I've been on this board, I hope all is well.

Anyway, I wanted to know what your relationships with your families are like. Have they disowned you or vice versa? Are you still "in the closet"? How do you deal with them and what kind of a relationship do you think apostates should have with their families?

I've been cursed with a toxic family, they suck the life out of me(not even other muslim families are like ours). It's just a very out of control, dysfunctional household. They think I'm muslim and yet they treat me this way, and I can't help but to think of how they would treat me if they found out about my apostasy. I know my family aren't good for my wellbeing, but I have never lived without them and I don't know how to do so. Some day, I'll just have to learn, I guess. Could I really lead a double life, sneak around, hiding my true self and live in misery for the rest of my life? I don't think so. Although my parent/parents are to be blamed for this chaos and pain, somewhere in my heart I love them and feel bad for them. There's a part of me that thinks that they're this way because of Islam( it really is...)... but just how far can one go to actually choose to follow a cult's orders no matter the unhapiness it brings you, the idiocity of it all, the consequences etc. AND make your children suffer along the way?

According to my parent/parents their choices are their business and it should not affect me. I'm sorry, I may be young but I'm not stupid. When you have children, EVERYTHING you do INVOLVES them and AFFECTS them. I just thought that was selfish and immaturely said by my family. Am I wrong? I just wish I was born to considerate parents. They treat me like this, not knowing that I'm an apostate...and I can only imagine what would happen if they found out. I'm pretty certain I'd be disowned.

Sorry for writing all this mess, I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I needed to vent( even if there aren't enough details), and even I don't know how, but I try. I guess what I'm asking is: do you think my family truly cares about me? Although they sometimes say they love me, their actions shows otherwise. They always blame for their mess ups, they're never supportive about the things I like etc. At the end of the day,though, I always for some reason want to look out for them,love and help them with WAKING up. A part of me says you just can't change people, and another says "you haven't tried hard enough, try more". Just when is it enough?

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I can't wait to hear yours! I hope things will get clearer for me.

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 8:12 am
by KryptLord
im also born in a Muslim family , they are a bit good, i've left Islam (i guess so) but haven't chosen anyother religion or belief yet & still in the closet!
Which religion you chose?

but let me tell u one thing Sis , no matter how loving they are , no matter how good they treat you!
read this story http://wikiislam.net/wiki/Ali_Hasanee_% ... _Muslim%29
My parents were very loving and I would never want to lie to them. So I told them about my new religious outlook. I was 24 years old at the time and was still living at home. My father listened to me very quietly and looked forward at me in silent disbelief.

After asking a few questions my mother realized I was not joking. Tears began to well up in her eyes and she said "nehi, nehi". Then she burst into full crying and was sobbing with her face in her hands saying "mera dil ka tukra!" It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my life. I began to cry too. I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to comfort her. "Ammi jan..." I said but before I could say more my father stood up. He too had tears in his eyes and he looked angry for the first time. I will never forget it.

I looked at him and he stared back. Then he lost control and yelled "don't be stupid boy!" He hit me on the top of my head with a clenched fist and then punched me in my cheek. The hits did not hurt physically but I still feel the emotional pain to this day. It was the first time my father had ever hit me. I covered up. My father stopped and regained control. My mother stopped sobbing at looked at both of us in shock. After a very long silence my father told me he wanted me to leave the house. I began to cry again but he was firm on this so I left.

That night I slept in the park. I was very scared. I did not know what I was going to do. The next day I called a friend from college and he let me stay in his apartment for a few months. I already had a job for a while at that time and I made enough money to support myself. I just needed time to find my own apartment which is very hard in this city.

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 8:59 am
by Nazzim ibn Abu Talib
TheQueenOfTruth wrote:Hi all! Long time since I've been on this board, I hope all is well.

Anyway, I wanted to know what your relationships with your families are like. Have they disowned you or vice versa? Are you still "in the closet"? How do you deal with them and what kind of a relationship do you think apostates should have with their families?

I've been cursed with a toxic family, they suck the life out of me(not even other muslim families are like ours). It's just a very out of control, dysfunctional household. They think I'm muslim and yet they treat me this way, and I can't help but to think of how they would treat me if they found out about my apostasy. I know my family aren't good for my wellbeing, but I have never lived without them and I don't know how to do so. Some day, I'll just have to learn, I guess. Could I really lead a double life, sneak around, hiding my true self and live in misery for the rest of my life? I don't think so. Although my parent/parents are to be blamed for this chaos and pain, somewhere in my heart I love them and feel bad for them. There's a part of me that thinks that they're this way because of Islam( it really is...)... but just how far can one go to actually choose to follow a cult's orders no matter the unhapiness it brings you, the idiocity of it all, the consequences etc. AND make your children suffer along the way?

According to my parent/parents their choices are their business and it should not affect me. I'm sorry, I may be young but I'm not stupid. When you have children, EVERYTHING you do INVOLVES them and AFFECTS them. I just thought that was selfish and immaturely said by my family. Am I wrong? I just wish I was born to considerate parents. They treat me like this, not knowing that I'm an apostate...and I can only imagine what would happen if they found out. I'm pretty certain I'd be disowned.

Sorry for writing all this mess, I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I needed to vent( even if there aren't enough details), and even I don't know how, but I try. I guess what I'm asking is: do you think my family truly cares about me? Although they sometimes say they love me, their actions shows otherwise. They always blame for their mess ups, they're never supportive about the things I like etc. At the end of the day,though, I always for some reason want to look out for them,love and help them with WAKING up. A part of me says you just can't change people, and another says "you haven't tried hard enough, try more". Just when is it enough?

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I can't wait to hear yours! I hope things will get clearer for me.


Some people just make immature parents, they put their priorities elsewhere than in their children. Maybe they actually do love you but don't want to express? But loving or not, Islam comes before any other thing as KryptLord said above. And religion itself is such a touchy point! I knew this one person from my village who was Muslim. He never prayed, he got drunk every night and beat his wife. I doubt if he ever fasted either. But he was STILL a Muslim so when his daughter converted to Hinduism to marry a Hindu guy and escape the persecution at home, he murdered her. So even persons who clearly flout laws of Islam hate it when somebody openly declares apostasy.

We can only provide advice and support, but it will be you who has to take decisions. As for myself I have decided to 'be in the closet' until I move out of India. Even then I don't plan to tell my parents.

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:51 pm
by KryptLord
Nazzim ibn Abu Talib wrote:
Some people just make immature parents, they put their priorities elsewhere than in their children. Maybe they actually do love you but don't want to express? But loving or not, Islam comes before any other thing as KryptLord said above. And religion itself is such a touchy point! I knew this one person from my village who was Muslim. He never prayed, he got drunk every night and beat his wife. I doubt if he ever fasted either. But he was STILL a Muslim so when his daughter converted to Hinduism to marry a Hindu guy and escape the persecution at home, he murdered her. So even persons who clearly flout laws of Islam hate it when somebody openly declares apostasy.

We can only provide advice and support, but it will be you who has to take decisions. As for myself I have decided to 'be in the closet' until I move out of India. Even then I don't plan to tell my parents.


but still , there are some good parents , take a look at this image i found on Reddit! ^_^
http://i.imgur.com/SN1O8.jpg

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:10 pm
by Nazzim ibn Abu Talib
KryptLord wrote:
Nazzim ibn Abu Talib wrote:
Some people just make immature parents, they put their priorities elsewhere than in their children. Maybe they actually do love you but don't want to express? But loving or not, Islam comes before any other thing as KryptLord said above. And religion itself is such a touchy point! I knew this one person from my village who was Muslim. He never prayed, he got drunk every night and beat his wife. I doubt if he ever fasted either. But he was STILL a Muslim so when his daughter converted to Hinduism to marry a Hindu guy and escape the persecution at home, he murdered her. So even persons who clearly flout laws of Islam hate it when somebody openly declares apostasy.

We can only provide advice and support, but it will be you who has to take decisions. As for myself I have decided to 'be in the closet' until I move out of India. Even then I don't plan to tell my parents.


but still , there are some good parents , take a look at this image i found on Reddit! ^_^
http://i.imgur.com/SN1O8.jpg


MOST parents are good and loving but when the case comes to choosing between your children and eternal hellfire...well it's kinda hard. Besides that is from a Christian parent? They are tolerant. My gf was Christian before she decided to openly embrace Judaism. She still lives with her mom. They don't argue over religion.

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:47 pm
by TheQueenOfTruth
KryptLord wrote:im also born in a Muslim family , they are a bit good, i've left Islam (i guess so) but haven't chosen anyother religion or belief yet & still in the closet!
Which religion you chose?

but let me tell u one thing Sis , no matter how loving they are , no matter how good they treat you!
read this story http://wikiislam.net/wiki/Ali_Hasanee_% ... _Muslim%29 quote] My parents were very loving and I would never want to lie to them. So I told them about my new religious outlook. I was 24 years old at the time and was still living at home. My father listened to me very quietly and looked forward at me in silent disbelief.

After asking a few questions my mother realized I was not joking. Tears began to well up in her eyes and she said "nehi, nehi". Then she burst into full crying and was sobbing with her face in her hands saying "mera dil ka tukra!" It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced in my life. I began to cry too. I put my hand on her shoulder and tried to comfort her. "Ammi jan..." I said but before I could say more my father stood up. He too had tears in his eyes and he looked angry for the first time. I will never forget it.

I looked at him and he stared back. Then he lost control and yelled "don't be stupid boy!" He hit me on the top of my head with a clenched fist and then punched me in my cheek. The hits did not hurt physically but I still feel the emotional pain to this day. It was the first time my father had ever hit me. I covered up. My father stopped and regained control. My mother stopped sobbing at looked at both of us in shock. After a very long silence my father told me he wanted me to leave the house. I began to cry again but he was firm on this so I left.

That night I slept in the park. I was very scared. I did not know what I was going to do. The next day I called a friend from college and he let me stay in his apartment for a few months. I already had a job for a while at that time and I made enough money to support myself. I just needed time to find my own apartment which is very hard in this city.
[/quote]


This is not your "coming out" story, right? You're luckier than me, at least your family is decent. I'm an atheist and still live in the closet :(

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:53 pm
by TheQueenOfTruth
KryptLord wrote:
Nazzim ibn Abu Talib wrote:
Some people just make immature parents, they put their priorities elsewhere than in their children. Maybe they actually do love you but don't want to express? But loving or not, Islam comes before any other thing as KryptLord said above. And religion itself is such a touchy point! I knew this one person from my village who was Muslim. He never prayed, he got drunk every night and beat his wife. I doubt if he ever fasted either. But he was STILL a Muslim so when his daughter converted to Hinduism to marry a Hindu guy and escape the persecution at home, he murdered her. So even persons who clearly flout laws of Islam hate it when somebody openly declares apostasy.

We can only provide advice and support, but it will be you who has to take decisions. As for myself I have decided to 'be in the closet' until I move out of India. Even then I don't plan to tell my parents.


but still , there are some good parents , take a look at this image i found on Reddit! ^_^
http://i.imgur.com/SN1O8.jpg


LOL, it's much different when it's non-muslim parents.

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 8:56 pm
by TheQueenOfTruth
Nazzim ibn Abu Talib wrote:
TheQueenOfTruth wrote:Hi all! Long time since I've been on this board, I hope all is well.

Anyway, I wanted to know what your relationships with your families are like. Have they disowned you or vice versa? Are you still "in the closet"? How do you deal with them and what kind of a relationship do you think apostates should have with their families?

I've been cursed with a toxic family, they suck the life out of me(not even other muslim families are like ours). It's just a very out of control, dysfunctional household. They think I'm muslim and yet they treat me this way, and I can't help but to think of how they would treat me if they found out about my apostasy. I know my family aren't good for my wellbeing, but I have never lived without them and I don't know how to do so. Some day, I'll just have to learn, I guess. Could I really lead a double life, sneak around, hiding my true self and live in misery for the rest of my life? I don't think so. Although my parent/parents are to be blamed for this chaos and pain, somewhere in my heart I love them and feel bad for them. There's a part of me that thinks that they're this way because of Islam( it really is...)... but just how far can one go to actually choose to follow a cult's orders no matter the unhapiness it brings you, the idiocity of it all, the consequences etc. AND make your children suffer along the way?

According to my parent/parents their choices are their business and it should not affect me. I'm sorry, I may be young but I'm not stupid. When you have children, EVERYTHING you do INVOLVES them and AFFECTS them. I just thought that was selfish and immaturely said by my family. Am I wrong? I just wish I was born to considerate parents. They treat me like this, not knowing that I'm an apostate...and I can only imagine what would happen if they found out. I'm pretty certain I'd be disowned.

Sorry for writing all this mess, I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I needed to vent( even if there aren't enough details), and even I don't know how, but I try. I guess what I'm asking is: do you think my family truly cares about me? Although they sometimes say they love me, their actions shows otherwise. They always blame for their mess ups, they're never supportive about the things I like etc. At the end of the day,though, I always for some reason want to look out for them,love and help them with WAKING up. A part of me says you just can't change people, and another says "you haven't tried hard enough, try more". Just when is it enough?

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, I can't wait to hear yours! I hope things will get clearer for me.


Some people just make immature parents, they put their priorities elsewhere than in their children. Maybe they actually do love you but don't want to express? But loving or not, Islam comes before any other thing as KryptLord said above. And religion itself is such a touchy point! I knew this one person from my village who was Muslim. He never prayed, he got drunk every night and beat his wife. I doubt if he ever fasted either. But he was STILL a Muslim so when his daughter converted to Hinduism to marry a Hindu guy and escape the persecution at home, he murdered her. So even persons who clearly flout laws of Islam hate it when somebody openly declares apostasy.

We can only provide advice and support, but it will be you who has to take decisions. As for myself I have decided to 'be in the closet' until I move out of India. Even then I don't plan to tell my parents.


What will you do in situations such as when they decide to visit you, or you decide to marry and have children? Will you keep it hidden from them?

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2012 8:17 pm
by Nazzim ibn Abu Talib
TheQueenOfTruth wrote:What will you do in situations such as when they decide to visit you, or you decide to marry and have children? Will you keep it hidden from them?


My father would never leave his village, much less India to ever visit me. But even if they do, I can do some taqiyya jus as prophet Mohammad recommends :sly:

My dad wants to marry me off to someone in the village, now if I escape I can have a sham marriage with some Christian girl, being a man here is advantageous to me (Muslim men can marry Christian/Jew women but Muslimahs must marry a Muslim) and I can teach her some taqiyya too :whistling:

I'd prefer not hurting their sentiments, I know even if they know of my apostasy they might disown me but they'll blame themselves and the secular education they gave me instead of the rigorous religious one. They think they'll be punished if I don't do salat! There's an old Sanskrit line "Tell the truth but refrain from telling unpleasant truths", they've Muslims all their lives. I can't convince them to leave the cult. All I'd try to do is not tell them consiously. If they somehow find out...well that's another matter. :huh:

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 12:07 am
by ringmaster
Nazzim ibn Abu Talib wrote:................................ There's an old Sanskrit line "Tell the truth but refrain from telling unpleasant truths", they've Muslims all their lives. ...............


You can tell the truth and still mislead people. I will give you an example.

When my daughter was in high school, there was a less than desirable fellow (in her eyes, not mine...because I really didn't know him) who was pursuing her. She asked me to deflect a phone call from him.

When he called, I was in the den downstairs. My daughter was upstairs.

When I answered he asked if my daughter was there. I said no. That was the truth. I was downstairs and she was upstairs.

He asked me where she was. I told him that I did not know. That was the truth. I did not know if she was in her room or in another room upstairs. I did not know her precise location.

He asked me to take a message, which I did.

Re: Ex-muslims: How is your relationship with your family?

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:05 am
by Nazzim ibn Abu Talib
ringmaster wrote:
Nazzim ibn Abu Talib wrote:................................ There's an old Sanskrit line "Tell the truth but refrain from telling unpleasant truths", they've Muslims all their lives. ...............


You can tell the truth and still mislead people. I will give you an example.

When my daughter was in high school, there was a less than desirable fellow (in her eyes, not mine...because I really didn't know him) who was pursuing her. She asked me to deflect a phone call from him.

When he called, I was in the den downstairs. My daughter was upstairs.

When I answered he asked if my daughter was there. I said no. That was the truth. I was downstairs and she was upstairs.

He asked me where she was. I told him that I did not know. That was the truth. I did not know if she was in her room or in another room upstairs. I did not know her precise location.

He asked me to take a message, which I did.


I know the example, my mom uses a particular term for that. I guess there's a story in Islamic mythology about Ibrahim lying to a king about his his wife and calling her his sister (justified by the fact she's her sister in faith). I don't really remember if it was Ibrahim or not though.